Call me Scrooge! Shout "Bah Humbug!" Say whatever you'd like, but I TRULY believe that snow is only necessary on 2-4 nights of the year: Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, (and sometimes) New Years Eve, and New Years Day.
So what prompted this hate-filled rant, you ask? This:
Source: Uploaded by user via Jennifer on Pinterest
True life! I woke up this morning to a white nightmare outside of my window! I rarely watch the news, and I truly had no clue whatsoever that it was calling for snow of any sort (even though it was only a slight dusting that melted off not long after lunch). So, waking up to unexpected snow... WHAT THE CRAP?! Then, I come home, hoping to relax after a long day of work, and I have to read everyone's happy, crappy statuses about how great the freaking snow is! Well, I am firm believer in freedom of speech. I will not tell you that you cannot post about your love of snow, but I will get passively aggressively angry about it and post a blog venting MY counter-feelings. So, before anyone tells me how awful of a human being I am, just remember that I did NOT disturb your post, so you better not disturb mine. You WILL NOT convince me that snow is wonderful! You WILL NOT melt my Grinch Heart! Just let me wallow in my utter hatred for the snow while I ignore your post about how wonderful it is! Deal? So, before you judge me, hear me out... I actually make a lot of sense.
Why I Hate Snow
- I have to go outside and start/clean off my car early (I like to be able to hop in and go, folks; anything that hinders that is my mortal enemy)!
- I have to drive in it, and while I am a good, safe driver, snow turns most people into total driving morons!
- My husband has to drive in it and rescue the sorry behinds of the driving morons when they wreck (after giving them a ticket... for being a moron)!
- I have to shovel it!
- It's cold (I stinking hate being cold)!
- As I mentioned earlier, the only days of the year that I think snow is necessary/pretty are the days that it rarely ever snows! It will snow every other stinking day of winter, but I have rarely seen a fresh dusting of snow on a crisp Christmas morning. If there is snow, it's usually the week-old, half-melted, dirty, messy, neighbor's-dog-took-a-dump-right-on-top-of-it variety. NO THANKS!
- To go right along with #6, one year (the first winter in my house), all the neighborhood dogs (dogs whom their disgusting excuses for owners do not watch) and stray cats decided to take a collection of dumps right on top a frozen crust of snow on my front lawn. The only thing worse than having other people's pets crap on your lawn is having the ground be bright white and frozen, making the dung bombs visible from outer space and making them even more fun to try to shovel up. Then, when you do shovel it up, a poop stain is left behind in the snow for all to see, so you can continue to be ashamed of your snow/poop-covered lawn (neither of which you asked for).
- I have a tendency to trip and fall on my @$$ on a good day! Throw ice into the mix, and I'm guaranteed to make a complete and utter fool of myself! This year, I bought slip-proof shoes... yeah, we'll see how THAT goes!
- Melting Snow on my Roof = Icicles... they threaten your every move and mock your eyeballs.
- Cold = Turn on the Heat = Holy Freaking Heating Oil, Batman = There goes my Christmas Budget
I could go on and on and on, really, but a nice even top 10 list always looks nicely rounded out to me.
Source: i.chzbgr.com via Jade on Pinterest
So, basically, snow makes me want to do an angry dance, like Bret from Flight of the Conchords:
P.S. If you have never watched Flight of the Conchords, there is a hole in your life that can only be filled by watching it, so go do that... right now, instead of thinking about stupid snow!
The only good thing about snow is... SNOW DAYS! Being a teacher, I can still garner some small amount of joy if (and only if) it snows enough that we get a Snow Day (or 2-Hour Delay... I'll take some of those, please)! Any other snowstorm insignificant enough to not merit a Snow Day... USELESS! If it's not going to snow on Christmas... USELESS! Keep your snow! I'd happily buy a summer home in Florida where it maintains a nice average December temperature of 70-80! Some of the happiest days of my life were spent in the Bahamas and Florida in December for my Honeymoon last year! PERFECT WEATHER! Not too hot... not too cold... just right! Shorts during the day, and a light jacket at night... PERFECT! Seriously, if I could afford to take that trip every December, you'd better believe that I would! I could have happily lived on that Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship or in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter FOREVER!
So, in case you haven't gathered, I HATE SNOW! Don't try to change me, and I'll try not to verbally choke the life out of your sickeningly happy Facebook statuses about this white devil powder. Sound good? GREAT! :)
P.S. Happy 57th Birthday, Bill Nye "the Science Guy"! :)
Source: Uploaded by user via Kate on Pinterest
